Where do I start? The is beauty in scars. I found a way to cover them with love.

How long have I known the Lord? Since I could remember! I even went to a private school from Kindergarten through 9th grade (minus 1st grade). However, I officially MET HIM LIKE WITHOUT A DOUBT MET JESUS ON OCTOBER 31, 2019. HE CAME IN LIKE A SAVIOR WITH THE MOST BEAUTIFUL VISION OF LOVED I’D EVER SEEN (seen like in my mind when HE showed me who HE really is and how HE really sees me and how HE REALLY loves us compared to every thing the enemy had distorted in my mind. Every feeling of “not good enough” left me. I was FREE.

GOD IS GOOD! HE LOOKS AT US AND SEES HIS CHILDREN – NOT ALL OF THE SCARS (OR MISTAKES) WE’VE MADE. THANK YOU LORD FOR ALWAYS LOVING ME EVEN WHEN I DIDN’T LOVE MYSELF. THROUGH THE GRACE OF GOD I HAVEN’T CUT MYSELF IN 3 YEARS (estimating). Now considering I’m 32, that may seem like NOTHING…but you have no idea.

There is a lot to this story so without going into too much detail…..

Our Father was working out HIS miraculous plan little by little in the most perfect way. My husband is a part of the story too. It is a MIRACLE because I started at the age of about 15/16 and it stayed with me for all of those years. Now, there were some gaps along the way because my parents (I’m so thankful for my mom and dad to this day for everything they did to try and help me) found out about it, I went to group, one-on-one therapy and got on medication….things slowed down and got better…then I stopped taking the medicine along the way and started drinking to numb my feelings instead of cutting. However, the enemy always has a way of bringing darkness back into our lives when we aren’t fully healed.

***Possible Trigger***

The last time I remember was a night when I was feeling low (and very intoxicated), like no one cared. I’d made a mess of things with my NOW husband (also by the GRACE OF GOD) … and it was one of those silly arguments. You know, the kind where you can’t even remember what it was about days, months, years later. Being in the darkness, as God has helped me see now, led me to numb painful feelings of worthlessness, doubt, loneliness, you name it….by cutting myself….it was a way of escape. THE WRONG WAY. When I look back now I see God had ALL THINGS WORKING TOGETHER FOR GOOD. That was the last time I cut myself because my NOW husband told me (because this wasn’t the first time I’d done it….can’t count the times we argued and I used that as an escape) if I did it again we wouldn’t be together. So, naturally I did the only logical thing and just started drinking more. Only at night because we had three kids so I was doing the right thing….sober days….drunk nights…. getting through life not hurting myself. Keeping my family together. Well, that all led to a panic attack one stormy night when my future husband was out of town and my 2 year old son accidentally locked himself in his room. Oh but that’s not what gave me the panic attack….the THUNDERSTORM that happened after sent me in panic attack mode. After that incident I figured it was time to go back to taking Adderall because it had to be ADHD causing me to drink too much and now have this lingering anxiety. So I took the medicine…starting drinking way less, felt more productive, no more depression or cutting myself, super mom status, even lost weight….things were great! Nope. GOD HAD ANOTHER PLAN. He had it planned out for me to stop self-harming, stop abusing alcohol AND stop taking Adderall. He had another plan. His plans are always better than we could every imagine. I’m so thankful!

B… uuuuuut the medicine journey is a story all on it’s own. For another time because if I type my whole life, all at once, I’ll be neglecting my parenting responsibilities! Haha!

The most beautiful part of THE SELF-HARM PART is how GOD sees me! Here’s where my husband comes in. When I walked down the aisle on our wedding day, my husband wasn’t looking at my arms (visibly scared)…he saw ME. When I walk into a room, he sees “me”…he loves “me”, cares for “me” and he covers “me” because love he has for “me” lies deeper than the surface of what anyone can “see”. Do you have a visual? That is just PART of how much God loves us and only PART of how beautiful He sees His children. We are the bride of Christ Jesus! He is waiting for us at the end of the aisle. He doesn’t see the scars. His love covers us all!

Thank you JESUS for loving us and covering all of our scars with YOUR beautiful and perfect love!

And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”

I Peter 4:8 ❤